Ouch!. My Life

With fast in your face, thrashing tunes, and a musical tightness like a colastamy bag shoved up a one legged Netherland 'lady's' puss-filled backside, The Problem with Jack is virtual, unwell and ready for a violent bowel reduction. It all started with a phone call, a mother plunger, an internet connection, and a Pap Smear gone wrong. Coming to national attention after successfully transmitting their songs over a Brittany Spears lip sync channel during her Swingin' Buffalo New Years Show, life has never been the same for the boys with swollen glans. The Problem With Jack is made of it's three unoriginal fondling members, Klaus Von Stressel, Lupus S. Stigma, and Leavus Cleavus. After 3 and 1/2 years of quarantined exile between them, it is amazing in the fact that the band has not even met nor has any immediate plans to do so. 'It's true... go f*#! yourself' states Klaus Von Streecel, vocalist and lead performer for Polluted Womb. Klaus's artistic abilities were recently stretched to the limite' when he was placed under house arrest with nothing more than a cell phone, a computer, and his mom's favorite vibrator, 'Big Chocolate Sal' to help him with his artistic 'release'. Many of the songs came from these so-called artistic therapy sessions. Lupus S. Stigma, percussionist and noise, first discovered his 'love' for percussive noises when experimenting with the warm, moist, gurgily noises he could make with a plunger while being molested by his would be mother/lover. Lupus states on his early endeavors into music, 'It was pure and beautiful, some of the most wonderful joyous sounds I have ever heard. It was a liberating and free time. Then the f*#_ing department of child services stepped in and f_*#ed everything up.' Leavus Cleavus, rhythm performer and legal and/or illegal representation, accidentally fell into the world of music and mayhem. Leavus is the only member with any educational significance and no musical background. Growing up in south Rome, Leavus was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, which left him alone, inactive, and with a permanent case of the shakes in the hands. As a unlicensed gynecologist to the stars, the shakes made him a favorite until a tragic pap smear accident with Phyllis Diller left him with only two fingers.